Dear Taylor,
I have watched some of your videos on the internet and think you are very
pretty. Because of this, I think we should get married. I have a girlfriend
but she has always supported me in my endeavors in the past so I don't see
why this should be any different. She was angry at one of your lyrics the
other day but I defended you. She doesn't really understand your values
like I do. I think we should get a ranch somewhere outside of Nashville
because it seems like a cool place with great music. We can get some horses
and jam once I get my banjo back off my friend. I really like country music
but usually stuff that's less poppy than yours. As far as pop music goes though,
yours is ok. Some of my friends might not like you at first because you wear a
purity ring and they like to have lots of sex but they will learn to understand that
sexual liberation isn't for everyone. You seem to be pretty religious and i'm not
but that's cool, i'm sure we can make it work. I'm not really sure about my
spiritual beliefs but I think most of Jesus' messages were pretty good although
some don't really translate into the 21st century. Also, for the most part I think
your religious image is more of a marketing scheme and I don't mind because
in pop music that kind of thing is inevitable. I like your image a lot more than
people like Katy Perry and Lady Gaga. I think they are stupid. From your songs
it seems like you like to stand up for the oppressed which is really cool. Like
that one where that guy is going out with the crappy cheerleader instead of the
nerdy girl. We don't really have cheerleaders in New Zealand but they seem
crappy. We have jocks and they are crappy. Or that song 'Mean' where you
say that people shouldn't be mean. That's cool. I don't like people who are mean.
So yeah, I hope we can meet up soon because I think we would be really great
for each other. I'm probably not as good looking as whatever Jonas brother you
went out with but i'm probably cooler because they seem like dicks. It'd be great
if you could come over here because you could probably afford the travel costs
more than I could. Hope to hear from you soon.
Love,
Jonathon Edwards
Thursday 22 December 2011
Wednesday 21 December 2011
Small Children
For the most part, I hate children. I get that they can do cute
things sometimes but for the most part they are greedy, selfish,
whiney and annoying. This may sound like quite a harsh way
to talk about kids and I think my way of thinking about them
comes from an inability for my mind to separate children from
grown humans. If you have the same standards for children
that you have for everyone else then children will seem very
attention seeking and very, very stupid. I am also scared to talk to
them because I think that they, like adults, are always judging
me. I'm too worried that I am being condescending when talking
to children and feel stupid using a baby voice. Which is stupid,
because children are the reason that condescension was invented.
A friend brought her young niece and nephew around to our
house the other day and the little boy decided to point at and
name everything in the room. All I could think while he was
doing this was 'am I supposed to be impressed?' and 'if you were
an adult, I would think you were a dick'. When a dog does a cool
trick I am impressed because I have standards based on dogs but
for children I can't help but compare them to grown humans. But
they aren't humans. They are small, strange sub-humans.
I like dogs better than children.
things sometimes but for the most part they are greedy, selfish,
whiney and annoying. This may sound like quite a harsh way
to talk about kids and I think my way of thinking about them
comes from an inability for my mind to separate children from
grown humans. If you have the same standards for children
that you have for everyone else then children will seem very
attention seeking and very, very stupid. I am also scared to talk to
them because I think that they, like adults, are always judging
me. I'm too worried that I am being condescending when talking
to children and feel stupid using a baby voice. Which is stupid,
because children are the reason that condescension was invented.
A friend brought her young niece and nephew around to our
house the other day and the little boy decided to point at and
name everything in the room. All I could think while he was
doing this was 'am I supposed to be impressed?' and 'if you were
an adult, I would think you were a dick'. When a dog does a cool
trick I am impressed because I have standards based on dogs but
for children I can't help but compare them to grown humans. But
they aren't humans. They are small, strange sub-humans.
I like dogs better than children.
Monday 19 December 2011
Christmas
I flipping love Christmas. I love the music, the food,
hanging with family. I know that some of my friends
hate Christmas because of how it has become so
commercial or because they don't get along with their
extended family but I can't help but romanticise it.
Hanging with my Gran is great and watching A Charlie
Brown Christmas or listening to Nat King Cole just
makes me feel good. I even find myself getting into the
religious imagery despite not really believing in it. A
really great guy coming to earth and spreading words
of peace? I can get into that. I wish more people would
ride around on magic donkeys and tell people to love
one another and not be greedy. So yeah, I know that
Christmas today can be associated with bad things like
consumerism but don't embrace those things and let
the festive 'vibes' sink in.
hanging with family. I know that some of my friends
hate Christmas because of how it has become so
commercial or because they don't get along with their
extended family but I can't help but romanticise it.
Hanging with my Gran is great and watching A Charlie
Brown Christmas or listening to Nat King Cole just
makes me feel good. I even find myself getting into the
religious imagery despite not really believing in it. A
really great guy coming to earth and spreading words
of peace? I can get into that. I wish more people would
ride around on magic donkeys and tell people to love
one another and not be greedy. So yeah, I know that
Christmas today can be associated with bad things like
consumerism but don't embrace those things and let
the festive 'vibes' sink in.
Saturday 10 December 2011
Social Anxiety
My girlfriend Madeleine can be pretty awkward in social situations
but a few weeks ago she experienced what she saw as a small
triumph. While walking around a clothes store together we bumped
into a female friend of mine who I hadn't seen in a while. This
friend talked about how she just got a spray tan and a new dress
for the races. Madeleine was no longer intimidated. This friend
was one of 'those people'. Little did Madeleine know that this friend
was actually 'cool'. She had received this title by being uniquely
quirky and dating at least 3 scene heart-throbs. The friend said
something about how the black store manager looked good with
long dreads. She said that "they" (Africans) don't often wear their
hair that way. This comment could have been taken as a racial
generalization but was something that most would let slide,
especially to someone they had just met. Madeleine had a confident
look on face and said "they?!" in her most condescending voice
accompanied by an 'i'm better than you' facial expression. Everyone
was silent for a few seconds. The friend then said how on her trip to
Africa most of the people there had little to no hair. Madeleine once
again raised her eyebrows had said "they?" followed by her
signature hearty chuckle and with a triumphant expression looked
at me for approval of what she had just said. There was more
silence. There was an awkward goodbye. I later asked Madeleine
why she was kind of rude to this girl and she said' "I'm just really
pleased with myself that I said something".
but a few weeks ago she experienced what she saw as a small
triumph. While walking around a clothes store together we bumped
into a female friend of mine who I hadn't seen in a while. This
friend talked about how she just got a spray tan and a new dress
for the races. Madeleine was no longer intimidated. This friend
was one of 'those people'. Little did Madeleine know that this friend
was actually 'cool'. She had received this title by being uniquely
quirky and dating at least 3 scene heart-throbs. The friend said
something about how the black store manager looked good with
long dreads. She said that "they" (Africans) don't often wear their
hair that way. This comment could have been taken as a racial
generalization but was something that most would let slide,
especially to someone they had just met. Madeleine had a confident
look on face and said "they?!" in her most condescending voice
accompanied by an 'i'm better than you' facial expression. Everyone
was silent for a few seconds. The friend then said how on her trip to
Africa most of the people there had little to no hair. Madeleine once
again raised her eyebrows had said "they?" followed by her
signature hearty chuckle and with a triumphant expression looked
at me for approval of what she had just said. There was more
silence. There was an awkward goodbye. I later asked Madeleine
why she was kind of rude to this girl and she said' "I'm just really
pleased with myself that I said something".
Wednesday 7 December 2011
How to Write?
I have become really self-conscious about writing blog
posts recently because I have been thinking to much
about writing style. Am I supposed to have some neutral
style or do I copy a style that I like? When I write without
thinking it comes outkind of douchey and Joe
Bennett-esque and i'm not sure if I want that. Because of
this i've thought of a few alternative styles:
- Ironic gangster e.g. "those bitches don't know shit about tennis"
- tumblr crazy e.g. "Ugh bitches stay away from my friends and my boyfriend. WHY DO THEY EVEN LIKE YOU?!"
- Politically defeated e.g. "Fuck National. Fuck people. Everyone is so fucking stupid. Everything is terrible
- General internet irony. Key words: 'totez' 'babez' 'omg' 'lolz'
Tuesday 29 November 2011
Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger
I'm really into the Confucian idea of self-betterment. The idea that
a person should train themselves in many different areas in order
to become a better person. I have been thinking this way for a while
now but it's nice discover that ancient Chinese philosophers were
equally worried about being shit people. I always feel like I need
to read more to become more knowledgeable, exercise more to
become fitter and eat better to become more healthy and that in
doing these things, I am becoming a generally better person. This
also involves tweaking my personality when I feel like I need to be
nicer or more extroverted. I think that people buy nice things for
much the same reason. Nice clothes, cars and iPads are all things
that people buy in order to look cooler or more accomplished to
the people around them. This is obviously a more shallow way in
which to seem like a better person and i'd like to think that I can
see through it. For example, i'd be more impressed at someone
having developed a useless skill then having bought a new item
of clothing (can solve a rubix cube vs. having a new jacket). My
only resolution at new years will be 'become a lot better in every
way.'
a person should train themselves in many different areas in order
to become a better person. I have been thinking this way for a while
now but it's nice discover that ancient Chinese philosophers were
equally worried about being shit people. I always feel like I need
to read more to become more knowledgeable, exercise more to
become fitter and eat better to become more healthy and that in
doing these things, I am becoming a generally better person. This
also involves tweaking my personality when I feel like I need to be
nicer or more extroverted. I think that people buy nice things for
much the same reason. Nice clothes, cars and iPads are all things
that people buy in order to look cooler or more accomplished to
the people around them. This is obviously a more shallow way in
which to seem like a better person and i'd like to think that I can
see through it. For example, i'd be more impressed at someone
having developed a useless skill then having bought a new item
of clothing (can solve a rubix cube vs. having a new jacket). My
only resolution at new years will be 'become a lot better in every
way.'
Sunday 27 November 2011
Things and Non-Things
My philosophy in action:
- Movies where werewolves fall in love with babies: not a thing
- Tennis: a thing
- Almost 50 per cent of the vote going to a party that does not represent the interests of most of the people who voted for it: definitely not a thing
- Going to Melbourne: a thing
- Really hurting my arm, disabling me from lifting anything over 1 kg over the last 5 days: not a thing (although I got the injury from playing tennis which, as already established, is a thing)
- Hanging out with friends I haven't seen in ages: a thing
- People who are close to me being anxious and/or depressed: not a thing
- Getting lots of hours at work over the holidays: not a thing in the short term but will be a thing by late January
- Becoming really stressed about money: not a thing
- CHRISTMAS: The best thing
Thursday 24 November 2011
Cripples and Christians
In the wake of the election I have found that those who are campaigning
for controversial (terrible) parties will always have some kind of shield
to stop those passing by from debating with/yelling abuse at them. A
few weeks ago I saw a man holding up a sign for the Kiwi Party and
yelling about how the country had lost it's Christian ethics and how the
'family' was in jeopardy. The annoying thing about this was that he had
one little girl holding each of his hands so I couldn't have a heated debate
with him. By having two little girls with him and talking about the values
of family he was implying that if I argued with him or voted for another
party then I wished brutal deaths upon them both. A similar thing
happened last week when a man who was campaigning for the
Conservative was wheeling a mentally retarded man around with him.
Again i'm in a situation where if I don't like Conservative Party Policies
then I automatically hate crippled people. This reminded me of how the
pro-life group at Canterbury always tried to convince you that if you
weren't pro-life then you wanted every baby to be aborted. They had
little biscuits shaped like foetuses, that was creepy. And a little embryo
thing in a glass jar. Fuck those guys are creepy. I don't think it was a
human foetus. I think someone told me it was a goat.
for controversial (terrible) parties will always have some kind of shield
to stop those passing by from debating with/yelling abuse at them. A
few weeks ago I saw a man holding up a sign for the Kiwi Party and
yelling about how the country had lost it's Christian ethics and how the
'family' was in jeopardy. The annoying thing about this was that he had
one little girl holding each of his hands so I couldn't have a heated debate
with him. By having two little girls with him and talking about the values
of family he was implying that if I argued with him or voted for another
party then I wished brutal deaths upon them both. A similar thing
happened last week when a man who was campaigning for the
Conservative was wheeling a mentally retarded man around with him.
Again i'm in a situation where if I don't like Conservative Party Policies
then I automatically hate crippled people. This reminded me of how the
pro-life group at Canterbury always tried to convince you that if you
weren't pro-life then you wanted every baby to be aborted. They had
little biscuits shaped like foetuses, that was creepy. And a little embryo
thing in a glass jar. Fuck those guys are creepy. I don't think it was a
human foetus. I think someone told me it was a goat.
Sunday 20 November 2011
Philosopy
I have developed a meta-theory that I call abstract emotivism . It involves
asking oneself whether any given act is a 'thing' or not. If the answer is yes then this is
an appropriate choice to make, if it is not a thing then one should consider
other alternatives. For example, this can be used when facing an ethical
dilemma. If subject A is faced with the question of whether or not to
physically harm subject B and they ask themselves, 'is that a thing?' They
will come to a conclusion of 'naa' and refrain from further action. In the
field of cooking this is a very useful tool as can be seen in the example of
deciding whether or not to add tomatoes to a curry you are cooking. This
will differ from curry to curry but most often one will come to the conclusion
that it is definitely a thing. "Is it a thing?" should also be asked frequently when
deciding what clothes to wear or what you should do with your day. This
theory was inspired by the works of Sun Tzu and David Letterman.
asking oneself whether any given act is a 'thing' or not. If the answer is yes then this is
an appropriate choice to make, if it is not a thing then one should consider
other alternatives. For example, this can be used when facing an ethical
dilemma. If subject A is faced with the question of whether or not to
physically harm subject B and they ask themselves, 'is that a thing?' They
will come to a conclusion of 'naa' and refrain from further action. In the
field of cooking this is a very useful tool as can be seen in the example of
deciding whether or not to add tomatoes to a curry you are cooking. This
will differ from curry to curry but most often one will come to the conclusion
that it is definitely a thing. "Is it a thing?" should also be asked frequently when
deciding what clothes to wear or what you should do with your day. This
theory was inspired by the works of Sun Tzu and David Letterman.
Friday 18 November 2011
Childhood Memory
The coming of summer is reminding me of the summers I used to experience as
a child. Wiremu and I would always go down to the lake and catch koi-koi fish
with nets that we had made out of flax. Wiremu would always scare the fish away
by splishing and sploshing through the water making noises that went 'splish-splosh'
Our family had a bach in Poriri, just north of Maitangaturou and I loved climbing
up the ngitaronui trees and looking out at the great forest which expanded further
than I could see. My little sister, Aroha always wanted to climb the trees to but
mama wouldn't let her. "You're too young", she said, "you'll hurt yourself".
One day Aroha did climb up one of those trees but slipped bumped her head
on the way down. 'Bump'. She died instantly. I also loved the birds there.
a child. Wiremu and I would always go down to the lake and catch koi-koi fish
with nets that we had made out of flax. Wiremu would always scare the fish away
by splishing and sploshing through the water making noises that went 'splish-splosh'
Our family had a bach in Poriri, just north of Maitangaturou and I loved climbing
up the ngitaronui trees and looking out at the great forest which expanded further
than I could see. My little sister, Aroha always wanted to climb the trees to but
mama wouldn't let her. "You're too young", she said, "you'll hurt yourself".
One day Aroha did climb up one of those trees but slipped bumped her head
on the way down. 'Bump'. She died instantly. I also loved the birds there.
Wednesday 16 November 2011
Love Metaphor
I am waiting for love.
Waiting like a boy who has ordered a tennis racket online.
A tennis racket that he ordered two weeks ago off trade me and it still hasn't come.
A tennis racket that doesn't even come with fucking strings.
The boy has been waiting for the tennis racket for too fucking long, the courier said 1-3 days but it's been way longer than that and it doesn't even come with fucking strings.
Where is my fucking tennis racket!
Waiting like a boy who has ordered a tennis racket online.
A tennis racket that he ordered two weeks ago off trade me and it still hasn't come.
A tennis racket that doesn't even come with fucking strings.
The boy has been waiting for the tennis racket for too fucking long, the courier said 1-3 days but it's been way longer than that and it doesn't even come with fucking strings.
Where is my fucking tennis racket!
Tuesday 15 November 2011
Life is Funny
I've decided that I should only ever think about the funny things in life.
If Woody Allen can make the Third Reich into a story about hot towels
and hair cuts then surely I can find the funny side in pregnancy scares
and social awkwardness. Continuously being in uncomfortable situations is ok, right? It makes for funny stories. I'm going to live by the new formula of tragedy + no time. When something happens that would usually upset me it will instantly become a joke.
Great,
sounds good.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)