How my Facebook Friends Comment on Other People's Pictures

Comments:
Kitty-Kat Kate: Omg you are such a fucking mega babe!

Meow-Meow Melinda: Dayum girl! Need to party wit u soon!

Glitter-Glam-Sarah-Woof: Holy shit babe. Lookn' flyyyy

Melbourne #1

I went to a casino for the first and hopefully last time of my life.
It was very big and very depressing. I played roulette and plan
to never play again because I won. I am up and pretty proud
that I had the restraint to double my money and leave. I beat
the house. Fuck you house. Plus I got your free 5 dollar note
that you wanted me to spend on gambling but I spent it on a
doughnut. I also took two complementary juice boxes.

Oamaru

Land of hopes and dreams
Land of old people, small children and about 3 suicidal 20 year-olds
Land of Steampunk and steam trains
Land ongoing fear (the lowest the fire danger sign ever goes is 'moderate', making the townsfolk believe that everyday there is a reasonable chance of combusting. This constant fear allows the city council to maintain an authoritarian rule on the people)
Land of casual racism

Land of bogans yelling strange things from cars (at my sister: "Just because you are skinny doesn't mean you have to run in town")
Land of penguins, seals, sheep and penguins
Land of ceramic whisky bottles in the shapes of eagles, crows and books
Land of wishing it was 100 years ago

Love Letter to Taylor Swift

Dear Taylor,

I have watched some of your videos on the internet and think you are very
pretty. Because of this, I think we should get married. I have a girlfriend
but she has always supported me in my endeavors in the past so I don't see
why this should be any different. She was angry at one of your lyrics the
other day but I defended you. She doesn't really understand your values
like I do. I think we should get a ranch somewhere outside of Nashville
because it seems like a cool place with great music. We can get some horses
and jam once I get my banjo back off my friend. I really like country music
but usually stuff that's less poppy than yours. As far as pop music goes though,
yours is ok. Some of my friends might not like you at first because you wear a
purity ring and they like to have lots of sex but they will learn to understand that
sexual liberation isn't for everyone. You seem to be pretty religious and i'm not
but that's cool, i'm sure we can make it work. I'm not really sure about my
spiritual beliefs but I think most of Jesus' messages were pretty good although
some don't really translate into the 21st century. Also, for the most part I think
your religious image is more of a marketing scheme and I don't mind because
in pop music that kind of thing is inevitable. I like your image a lot more than
people like Katy Perry and Lady Gaga. I think they are stupid. From your songs
it seems like you like to stand up for the oppressed which is really cool. Like
that one where that guy is going out with the crappy cheerleader instead of the
nerdy girl. We don't really have cheerleaders in New Zealand but they seem
crappy. We have jocks and they are crappy. Or that song 'Mean' where you
say that people shouldn't be mean. That's cool. I don't like people who are mean.
So yeah, I hope we can meet up soon because I think we would be really great
for each other. I'm probably not as good looking as whatever Jonas brother you
went out with but i'm probably cooler because they seem like dicks. It'd be great
if you could come over here because you could probably afford the travel costs
more than I could. Hope to hear from you soon.

Love,
Jonathon Edwards

Small Children

For the most part, I hate children. I get that they can do cute
things sometimes but for the most part they are greedy, selfish,
whiney and annoying. This may sound like quite a harsh way
to talk about kids and I think my way of thinking about them
comes from an inability for my mind to separate children from
grown humans. If you have the same standards for children
that you have for everyone else then children will seem very
attention seeking and very, very stupid. I am also scared to talk to
them because I think that they, like adults, are always judging
me. I'm too worried that I am being condescending when talking
to children and feel stupid using a baby voice. Which is stupid,
because children are the reason that condescension was invented.   
A friend brought her young niece and nephew around to our
house the other day and the little boy decided to point at and
name everything in the room. All I could think while he was
doing this was 'am I supposed to be impressed?' and 'if you were
an adult, I would think you were a dick'. When a dog does a cool
trick I am impressed because I have standards based on dogs but
for children I can't help but compare them to grown humans. But
they aren't humans. They are small, strange sub-humans.
I like dogs better than children.

Christmas

I flipping love Christmas. I love the music, the food,
hanging with family. I know that some of my friends
hate Christmas because of how it has become so
commercial or because they don't get along with their
extended family but I can't help but romanticise it.
Hanging with my Gran is great and watching A Charlie
Brown Christmas  or listening to Nat King Cole just
makes me feel good. I even find myself getting into the
religious imagery despite not really believing in it. A
really great guy coming to earth and spreading words
of peace? I can get into that. I wish more people would
ride around on magic donkeys and tell people to love
one another and not be greedy. So yeah, I know that
Christmas today can be associated with bad things like
consumerism but don't embrace those things and let
the festive 'vibes' sink in.

Social Anxiety

My girlfriend Madeleine can be pretty awkward in social situations
but a few weeks ago she experienced what she saw as a small
triumph. While walking around a clothes store together we bumped
into a female friend of mine who I hadn't seen in a while. This
friend talked about how she just got a spray tan and a new dress
for the races. Madeleine was no longer intimidated. This friend
was one of 'those people'. Little did Madeleine know that this friend
was actually 'cool'. She had received this title by being uniquely
quirky and dating at least 3 scene heart-throbs. The friend said
something about how the black store manager looked good with
long dreads. She said that "they" (Africans) don't often wear their
hair that way. This comment could have been taken as a racial
generalization but was something that most would let slide,
especially to someone they had just met. Madeleine had a confident
look on face and said "they?!" in her most condescending voice
accompanied by an 'i'm better than you' facial expression. Everyone
was silent for a few seconds. The friend then said how on her trip to
Africa most of the people there had little to no hair. Madeleine once
again raised her eyebrows had said "they?" followed by her
signature hearty chuckle and with a triumphant expression looked
at me for approval of what she had just said. There was more
silence. There was an awkward goodbye. I later asked Madeleine
why she was kind of rude to this girl and she said' "I'm just  really
pleased with myself that I said something".